Saying My Own Goodbye

I went a little crazy when Edward died. I relentlessly pursued ALL the activities that were put in my way, just to avoid having to deal with my loss. This blog entry from May 2007 will give you an idea of my frame of mind then and the year of mourning that followed.

I wrote this letter to Edward a little over a year after his passing. I've forgotten all about it until I started digging through his things to close out this journey. This is unedited and I think says all I want to say as a farewell.

May 22, 2008

Dear Edward,

There are so many things I wish I said to you before you left. I regret not telling you how much I truly loved you every single day we were together. I wanted you to know how happy you made me - how beautiful I felt and how deeply satisfied I was.

You took my breath away every time I saw you. You made me feel warm every time I heard your voice. When thoughts of you snuck in my head throughout the day, my insides churned and burned. I longed for you the second we parted, and I yearned for your touch, a glance, a smile every moment - awake or in my dreams.

I'm sorry I was a coward. You've never made me fearful or insecure; in fact, you made me strong and confident. Unfortunately, the short amount of time we had was not enough to heal me from the damage I sustained before you. I couldn't see past my own guard to realize my mistake until it was too late.

I love you. I wish I told you that enough. I wish I told you how special you are to me and that you are the love of my life. Even though I will never see you again, you will always be the most beautiful thing I've beheld in this world. Your beauty transcends this life and I hope to be graced by it again someday. In my heart, you are truly my husband. I will forever be incomplete without you.

I bid you farewell now, my sweet prince. Know that, even though I seem to have gone on with my life, I will be always be moving towards you. I offer my life as a tribute to yours and whatever beauty, happiness, laughter, comfort and care springs forth from me - it will always be for and because of you.

I miss you and I ache for you. Send me a sign that you know how I feel. Forgive me as I learn to forgive myself. Hold me forever until the next time we speak, and then I can tell you all this with my kisses.

Forever Yours,
Krys