The Burden of Life Roles

For someone quite young, I have a life of a very mature woman. I even daresay a very mature independent woman. Even when I was married, I called the shots in my life and in my family. I know this life and I’m comfortable in it… until I realized that I wasn’t independent at all.

I am always burdened by how I define who am I by the roles I play in life. I could never describe who I truly am without lapsing in to how I behave as a mom, as a career woman, as a daughter, etc. What about the things I like? Who am I apart from everyone else? Do I have interests outside of these responsibilities? Do I have concerns that only involve me and no one else?

I understand that I do well in the different roles I play because I’m naturally drawn to them. I love being a mom because I like to watch people grow and because I’m totally devoted to these lovely people. It’s the same reason why I like my job – I get to take care of young people and help them grow in their careers. But sometime I feel that I’m afraid to let go of these things to really experience other parts of my life.

Good relationships and independence are suppose to bring us security; they’re suppose to liberate us. Having secure relationships and a healthy career should remove fear or at least makes us feel that there’s a safety net. If we make mistakes, people are there to catch us. If we make the wrong investments, we still have a job we can support ourselves with. Right?

There are days that I want to just forget about what people expect of me and what role I play in other people’s lives so I can think about what I expect of myself and who I am to me. I can’t figure out what I want or need for myself because I don’t know who I am. Without the roles I play, what would be left? What would be required to sustain a happy, normal, healthy life when my kids have grown and left, when I no longer have my job, and when my parents have died?

Until I figure out these things, I’m not sure I can start another relationship. Or maybe I need to learn how to just let things go and experience the messiness of it all. But I’m always concerned with how that will upset the perfectly balanced platter I have on my head that holds all the exquistely arranged roles I play in my life. Maybe I need to rearrange things and not put the tray on my head but have it under my feet where it can catch stuff that may fall. How’s that for a start?