One Last Story About Another Man

So I’ve talked about my ex-husband, my dead boyfriend and how I’ve ruined other relationships before and in between. There is one big part of my life though that I’ve never mentioned here, which I think has a big impact on how my current state of relationship-searching is a bit dysfunctional.

When I was a newly-wed (about 15 months in the marriage), I met this guy that I totally fell for. He’s really funny, sweet, smart and absolutely gorgeous. We didn’t exactly become close friends but more professional acquaintances. I needed to stay away from him because I knew I was in a very dangerous spot when it came to this guy.

Let me say that he never showed any interest in me. I don’t think he even found me remotely attractive so that was totally cool. But the more I got to know him, my feelings got more intense. I was a good wife to my husband. I never cheated on him but I had this one secret that really killed me inside. I was physically and spiritually present in my family life but my heart was so broken because there was no one I’ve met that I wanted more than him.

When time came for me to move away and sever the close physical ties I had with this guy, I was terrified but relieved at the same time. I thought that the distance would help me forget and stay true to my wedding vows. But, the thought of never seeing him again also made me desperate. At a farewell party we attended, I decided to be brave and make a bold move. I waited until the very end; I gave him a hug, kissed his lips and told him how I wished I met him 15 months before I did. Then I walked away.

I continued to pine over this man even over the great distance. Not seeing him everyday did help a bit at first. Until we started talking on-line. We talked about things we never broached before. Intimate stuff that my husband wouldn’t dare talk to me about. So I learned that he had another side that I never saw, which made him all the more enticing. The discussions were red hot and it became a bit of an obsession.

He was very clear with me from the beginning; he would never sleep with a married woman. That didn’t stop me from trying anyway. I wanted to be with him so badly that I threw all caution to the wind and asked him to meet me. We’ve briefly discussed the arrangement over e-mail except for the location. We were meeting some friends for lunch and we talked about seeing each other before we met up with everyone else. The night before the arranged date, I actually called him to confirm.

He never answered my call, didn’t send me an e-mail or anything. I was devastated. I contemplated not showing up for the lunch with our friends either because I was humiliated, even though no one else knew about the arrangement. At the last minute, I decided to show up for lunch because I desperately needed to see him. I sat next to him wanting to reach out, touch him, and kiss him, anything. Instead, I sat there mute and frozen, my lust on fire and my heart breaking. At the end of the lunch, he gave me a very big hug. Not even a kiss, a touch or a look that acknowledged he felt something for me.

I drove away but parked off the street. I watched him ride away from the restaurant and it was the last time I saw him for a long while. I don’t remember how I got home but I spent the next 24 hours crying hysterically. My husband sat with me and held me in his arms, not asking what happened or what was wrong. Years later, my husband did admit that he had a suspicion but didn’t want it confirmed.

I kept track of him over the past 10+ years but I didn’t contact him for a long time. He’s gotten better, more successful, more interesting and better looking. After my husband cheated on me and left home, I thought of him right away. I’ve actually gone to places where I know I would see “him” but I never approached to say hello, afraid to re-enact the rejection from years ago. Over time, my feelings for him never abated and I still think about him constantly.

Except when I was with Edward, there was never a time when I didn’t think about him. Sometimes when I was with my husband, I thought about him. He’s married with a child now so I would never violate that boundary. Besides, he wasn’t interested before so it’s obvious he wouldn’t be interested now. After my divorce, all my other casual contacts had been all about him. Since I couldn’t be with him, I made everything else about that.

I knew that it was safe to obsess over him because it prevented me from having to connect with anyone else. He was the only guy I know that didn’t take advantage of my weakness. But that could be because he was totally repulsed by me. My pride and ego was completely shattered – guys don’t really say no to me. He hurt me so I lash out at other men. He rejected me so I find ways for other guys to reject me, over and over again. It became a very unhealthy situation so I asked for help.

Now I’m embarking on a type of cleansing. I need to take care of my emotional state, so I’ve been advised to cease any physical relationship until I can behave like a woman instead of a man. I’ve learned that it’s possible that the reason why I behave like an alpha-male is to keep myself from that vulnerable state. I’ve been heart-broken before, but this one – it’s the one that pushed me over the edge.

Oh, boy! I’m completely buggered. I want to be in a relationship some day but I don’t know if I can go on this diet. So now, I’m keeping myself busy with other things so I don’t have to think about him or sex altogether. You know what they say about diets; if you completely deny certain cravings, you tend to over-indulge when you have a weak moment. I guess it’s like AA.

So my therapist asked me, what would help me get over this obsession? After a week of contemplation, I realized it really was an ego thing for me. I wish he would tell me that he did think I was beautiful, that he would have considered me if I was available. That’s when I realized it’s all about my insecurities and my need for affirmation after all. But, seriously, that’s not really my problem. Is it? Please tell me it’s not!!!!