That seems to be the question plaguing me these last few weeks. I keep hearing conversations revolving around this topic and I haven’t been able to shake it off from my mind.
So, do I prefer to love or be loved? The self-less expected answer from any intelligent, caring human being is to love, of course. Having said that, I’m not interested in exploring the obvious because it’s boring. Who wants to prattle on about sappy bullshit anyway?
What interests me is why is it too hard to say, "be loved"? We all know we want to be loved and that we pray to always have someone there to love us. Yet, there’s so much reluctance to actually admit it. Yeah, yeah – it’s true that majority of the human population genuinely do prefer loving than being loved. However, there are those (including myself) who also shy away from being loved because of reasons too ugly to admit.
I can’t keep thinking about these ugly reasons without throwing myself into full depression and possibly a psychotic break (oopps, too late), so I had to stop digging for all the ugliness before I got to the irredeemable point. Having others love me is difficult because I’m too proud, I’m too insecure, and because I’m selfish among other things. Huh?
I pride myself at being independent and not needy. Allowing others to love me and take care of me imposes on my autonomy. Sometimes, I also think that it may be because I don’t think I deserve all that attention. When I find a nice guy who treats me well, I question his motives and his sincerity (he can’t be real) because I’m just not the type to elicit such a reaction from anyone. Obviously, that says a lot more about me than about them, but this is not the forum for my psych evaluation. I also don’t like people loving me because it forces me to love them back. I’m too lazy and my life's too complicated to include additional hurdles for me to jump over.
Here’s the kicker- I really do like loving people. In my own non-fuzzy, no-frill way, I like taking care of others and lavishing affection (the non-gooey kind). I have the need to love others just like they have the need to love me. So, if I want to properly love those that are important to me, I have to consider their needs and put it before mine. With me so far? Good. I have to allow others to love me if I really love them. That means letting them take care of me, not making faces when they do gooey stuff, not questioning their motives or sincerity, and further complicating my life by adding more hurdles in the obstacle course I call my life.
I guess love really is a two-way street. That means allowing myself to love and also be loved. Being loved, it seems, is not the passive lazy verb I thought it to be. It requires just as much effort (if not more in my case). I still prefer to love but I also need to be loved to fully accomplish what I intend to do. Does this even make sense?
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4 comments:
I'd say I like both equally because they're both kind of have to occur together. But if I have to pick, I'd probably say to be loved, because loving someone without them also loving you is a crappy street to be on.
Thanks, phoenixx. I agree with you that unrequited romatic love sucks the big one. Been there - was able to recover but I didn't come out the same way (hence, the commitment phobia). Love for family and friends though - should we only love them if we can expect being loved back?
It makes more sense than you'll ever know! Well, except in my case, the rationalization of somewhat passively attempting to engage in conformative behavior, such as receiving love in return. I obviously have commitment issues, but I feel that love can be expressed in other non-intrapersonal terms; I love to love as well, accordingly-in the non-gooey way! I feel validated in knowing that I do have a heart; I'll bring construction workers a snack, just to brighten someone else's hard day, but if they were to engage in any type of conversation where I had to expose my emotional vulnerabliliy, I'd run! I guess, what I'm trying to get from this, is an answer; how can you readily, without hesitancy, accept love? Just as I want the construction workers to feel valued to acheive my fulfillment, why can't I understand that same request when other's wish want that from me?
I think you understand exactly what others are asking of you. The issue, as you said it yourself, is that you hesitate to accept their gift of love. You ask "how" you can accept their gift but, unfortunately, you're the only one who can truly know that. The question you should be asking is "why" (as in why do hesitate to give in) and the "how" will follow.
The good thing is you're willing to change. You just need to let go of the reluctance and embrace your vulnerabilities. Now, I know that's not easy to do, otherwise we wouldn't be commitment-phobes; but, what makes us romantics is that we keep hoping that one day we will be brave enough to let everything hang out there. So keep hoping, my friend. It's the only thing keeping us from completely giving up on this thing called love. Hopefully one day, we'll all find that we've liberated ourselves from what's been holding us back.
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